God loves a cheerful heart, and among the many ways to express joy and happiness is with words of humor.  The following are just a small sample of the wonderful sense of humor in the world:



Baptist Dog

This Baptist couple felt it important to own a Baptist pet, so they went shopping.  At the kennel specializing in unique breeds, they found a dog that they liked quite a lot.  When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.  When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws to turn the pages.  They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.


That night they had friends over.  they were so proud of their new Baptist dog and his major skills.  They called the dog and showed him off a little.  The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well.  This stopped the couple cold, as they had never thought about his doing "normal" tricks.


"Well," they said, "Let's try it out."  Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"


Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes and started praying.


"We've been deceived!" the couple exclaimed.  "We got a Pentecostal dog!"


Is Your Church on Fire?

In a little town unknown to many, there was a small church. One night smoke and flames consumed this little church. People from all over town stood in the streets and watched the church as it burned. The local preacher drove up and noticed several people that he hadn't seen in a while. Walking up to one man he asked, "My brother, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here in a while."


The man looked the preacher up and down and sarcastically responded, "That's because I hadn't seen this church on fire in a while!"


Is Your Church on Fire?

In a little town unknown to many, there was a small church.  One night smoke and flames consumed this little church.  People from all over town stood in the streets and watched the church as it burned.  The local preacher drove up and noticed several people that he hadn't seen in a while.  Walking up to one man he asked, "My brother, where have you been?  I haven't seen you around here in a while."


The man looked the preacher up and down and sarcastically responded, "That's because I hadn't seen this church on fire in a while!" 


A Letter from Basic Training

Dear Ma and Pa, I am well.  Hope you are.  Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.  Tell them to join up quick before all the places are filled.  I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.  But I am getting so I like to sleep in late.  Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.  Practically nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.  Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.  Their food, plus yours, hold you until noon when you get to feed again.  It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.  We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.  If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.  A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.  Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.


The sergeant is like a school teacher.  He nags a lot.  The captain is like the school board.  Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.  They don't bother you none.  This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.  I don't know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Watkins boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges.  They come in boxes.  Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that old bull at home.  I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.  I only beat him once.  He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.  Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your loving daugher,



Thin no more

A painter named Jack would thin down paint to make it go as far as he could.  He always got away with it until a church asked for bids for a restoration project on one of their steeples.  Jack put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.  And so he set up to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, thinning it down with turpentine.  Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job was nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder!  The sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint off of all the church walls and knocking Jack clear off the scaffolding to land on the lawn surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.


Jack knew this was God's judgment, so he got on his knees and cried, "Oh God!  Forgive me!  What should I do?"


From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke, "Repaint and thin no more!" 


Time and Eternity

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds.  He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.  "God," he said, "how long is a million years?"


God answered, "In My frame of reference, it's about a minute."


The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"


God answered, "To Me, it's only a penny."


The  man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"


God said, "In a minute."



The Outhouse

There was a little boy who lived deep in the woods with his family.  He loved his life out there except for one thing, his family had an outhouse.  He didn't like the outhouse at all!  It was cold in the winter.  It was hot in the summer.  It smelled bad.  He decided on day that he was going to get rid of it by pushing it into the river that it sat next to.  One day after a long rain, the water level of the river was up higher than normal, so he pushed the outhouse into the river and watched it float away.


Later than night, his dad came into his room and said, "Son, I believe you and I need to take a walk out to the woodshed."


The boy knew that it meant he was going to get a whooping.  He asked his father why they needed to go out into the shed.


His father replied, "Well it looks like someone has pushed the outhouse into the river, and I believe that someone was you.  Now be honest with me, did you push it in?"


The boy knew that he was caught and said, "Yes dad, I did push it into the river.  But, do you remember when George Washington chopped down the cherry tree?  He told his father the truth and he didn't get punished for it!"


"That may be true," his father replied, "but when George Washington chopped down that cherry tree, his father wasn't in it at the time."



A Discouraging Word

There was a herd of buffalo that was running in the open plains.  They were running up and down the hills like never before.  The buffalo were running in stride and the assistant head buffalo said to the head buffalo, "I never saw the herd running so well.  Everyone is in order and the herd looks good."


All the sudden, the head buffalo came to a stop.  The assistant head buffalo said to the head buffalo, "Why in the word did you stop?  The herd was running better than I've ever seen!"


The head buffalo said, "I thought I heard a discouraging word."



The First Stone

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them.  "What's going on here, anyway?"  He asked.


One of the crowd responded, "This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!"


"Wait!" yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."


Suddenly, a stone was thrown out from the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.


"Aw, c'mon, Dad!"  Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"



God's Omnipotence

A Sunday school teacher was asking her students some questions after a series of lessons on God's omnipotence.  She asked, "Is there anything God can't do?"


All was silent.  Finally, one boy held up his hand.


The teacher, on seeing this, was disappointed that they had missed the point of the lesson.  She sighed and asked, "Well, what is it you think God can't do?"


The boy replied, "He can't please everybody."



God the Parent

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.  After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve, and the first thing He said to them was, "Don't"


"Don't what?" Adam asked.


"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.


 "Forbidden Fruit?  We got Forbidden Fruit?  Hey Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!"


"No way!"




"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.




"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.


A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.


"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.


"Uh huh," Adam replied.


"Then why did you?"


"I dunno," Eve answered.


"She started it!" Adam said.


"Did not!"


"DID so!"




Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.  Thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.



Where's God

Two little boys were best friends at church, but they both had a reputation for getting into trouble.  One Sunday, one of the boys was home sick, but the other boy, not wanting to let his friend down, was twice as bad as normal!


As he was running through the sanctuary after church, the pastor grabbed him and angrily said, "Where's God?"


The little boy was frightened and didn't know what to say.


The pastor continued, "I want you to go home and think about it, and I don't want you to come back until you can tell me where God is."


The boy went home and called his sick friend on the telephone.  "Guess what?" he said.  "They've lost God, and they're trying to blame that one on us too."



God Grants a Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord, grant me one wish."  The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful, I will grant you one wish."


The man said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm too scared to fly, and I get really sea sick whenever I'm on a boat.  Build a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there anytime I want to."


The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic.  Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking.  The supports required to reach to the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take.  I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for such worldly things.  Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me."


The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women.  I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."


After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"



Letter to God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.  One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.  He thought he should open it to see what it was about.


The letter read:

Dear God,


I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.  Yesterday someone stole my purse.  It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check arrives.


Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.  Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.  I have no family to turn to, and You are my only hope.  Can You please help me?





The postal worker was deeply touched.  He showed the letter to all the other workers.  Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars each.  By the time he made the rounds, he had managed to collect $96, which he put into an envelope and sent to the woman.


The rest of the day, all the postal workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.  Christmas came and went.  A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.  All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.


It read:


Dear God,


How can I ever thank You enough for what You did for me?  Because of Your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.  We had a very nice day and I told my friends of Your wonderful gift.


By the way, there was $4 missing.


I think it must have been those thieves at the Post Office.